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Everyone post your collections of one-liners here!


In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, "What was that all about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages!"

It's always darkest before dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Obey gravity! It's the law.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.

Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"

I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren't much to look at.

I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. The police have nothing to go on.

If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?"

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

"Dad, can you do my homework for me?" "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!"

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.

Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!

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