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Two rats in a sewer. One says to the other :

"I'm absoloutely sick of Sh*t. It's Sh*t for breakfast, Sh*t for lunch, Sh*t for tea and even Sh*t for supper".

The other rat says to him :

"Oh come on, it's not that bad, Cheer up and we'll go on the P*ss later" !!!


A recent text from Ann Summers :

"In reference to your order for the large red vibrator on page 16 of our catalogue, can you please select and re-order an alternative item since this happens to be our Fire Extinguisher



Remember this story in the news recently ? :

The 8 year old boy who weighs 14 stone was asked earlier on TV today what was his favourite musical instrument at school ? The c**t replied "The Dinner Bell" !!!

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Re: Jokes

Fun in an elevator. . . .

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you're on rough seas.

7. Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious literature to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

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Re: Jokes

hahahahaha thats just too funny

speaking of elevators

u r in an elevator with peter andre geri haliwell and bryan mcfadden and u ave a gun with only one bullet


a friend sent me a postcard with a satellite picture of the entire planet taken from space on the back it said wish u were here


its called rap cause the c fell off the printer

if am not in bed by 11 then I go home

if that aint anuff for u then try this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2kPpmEQf_c

ther will be more later

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Re: Jokes

A sandwich walks into the bar and the barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food".

A man walked into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "One for me and one for the road"

A man goes do a doctor and says "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum" and the doctor says "I can give you some cream to put on it.".

That's all I can remember at the moment.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Re: Jokes

A guy is hungrey so he goes to the local "Bread and Soup" Dinner. He looks up and sees the speciel is Cream of Mushroom soup. He asks the waitress if he could have the speciel. She said, "sorry the man on the corner took the last one." He wasn't hungrey for anything else so he left. He walked down the road and saw the man sitting on the corner just holding the bowl of soup. Not eating it or even looking at it! Just holding it. Awkwardly, the man asks, "hey, are you going to eat that?" The man shakes his head. Then he asks, "can I have it?" The man shakes his head. The guy starts eating until he gets to the very bottom where there is a dead rat. The guy see's it and vomits all of which he just ate back into the bowl. The man on the corner then says, "yeah, i did the exact same thing when i saw it."

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